First came love, then came marriage, then came...

Photo by Tina Raval

You've found yourself in this situation, I am sure: You are at a wedding reception and a videographer comes close, sticks a mike in your face and asks you what you might have to say as in the way of congratulations or advice to the happy couple. This is where you freeze a bit like the proverbial deer and then find yourself mouthing a platitude when, in an otherwise different situation, you might be the Neruda of congratulatory poetic-ness or, the walking encyclopedia of marriage-related advice.

The reason for the temporary mind paralysis is of course that moments like the one I just described are all about time and place and not, about having the time nor mentally reaching that correct place from where you may dispense the kind of words and advice that are grounded in tried, tested and technicholor experience.

For myself, I chose to pass up on that video moment the other day at my sister-in-law's wedding. I had to lie and tell her that I had indeed been interviewed already and I was going to let my video disappearance remain the afterthought that it surely would have been when nevertheless, you find me here dwelling further on the matter. I am hopeful that with your help, I might rewrite the bypassed video moment to suit my tastes. How do you precisely figure in this you might ask? Well I don't know about you, but sound advice from total strangers has figured hugely in my life. Should you find it in yourself to pass on the pearls of wisdom you may have acquired on the subject of marriage for my sister-in-law's benefit, I would be not only grateful but much obliged. Consider this a non-invasive, time filled session to share what you know, deep down in the heart, is an ingredient to a successful marriage. I'll get us started...

Dear S: Now that I have confessed, I hope you find it in yourself to forgive my little white lie. In the flurry of this, your wedding time, I had just one brief moment with you to tell you that I wished you and your new husband the same measure and happiness I have found with your brother but, my wishes for your married success go much deeper than that. Indeed, it would take too much time and result in a biased view of what makes a partnership work to tell you everything I myself have learned that I think might help. That is the reason I am enlisting the aid of my fellow bloggers and kind readers. Throughout my life, I have discovered that I can place a higher value on the words that come from someone who is as far removed from me as this sensitive and sensible group of people that I call my blogging friends, are to you. May they offer you that which someday might be either remembered or come in handy. Here is my own two bit contribution before the cornucopia that I hope will be theirs.

Milena's advice: To the degree that it is possible, never go to bed sleeping apart. Even when mad, the healing of physical closeness works a magic like few others. You WILL get mad at your husband jan, that is a given. Married life without the occasional fights is an impossibility. What you must not ever do, is hold your physical self hostage to a fight. I do not speak of withholding sex, I speak of withholding physical demonstrations of affection like a kiss or an embrace. Even when profoundly angry, I have always made an effort to circumvent my initial desire to put up the type of barriers that can result in silent treatments and literal cold shoulders. I credit the circumvention of that, my first inclination, with speeding up the reconciling of the differences your brother and I have. Remember, marriage is about building bridges, not erecting walls.

Take it away guys...