2.2.08

Interlude


Ever since my mother's flight was postponed two days ago due to inclement weather, I've kind of felt like I'd been spared the gallows. That changed this morning when she waved a final farewell to my son and I at the airport and became a faraway pinpoint of a person too difficult to distinguish amongst others any longer.

I have to say that I was pretty proud of myself for holding it all in together until the kid started yelling aolita! aolita! come back! Though I could tell that prior to her leaving he had understood that a plane would be taking abuelita away and that this meant he had to say goodbye, I think he finally realized that the separation was going last more than a school day's worth of time.

When she was finally gone, I walked with my boy to the car and I cried quietly while strapping him in to his seat. I cried some more while paying the parking attendant, and I cried when I called my father to tell him that I had seen her safely off on her way back to him. Tears rolled down my cheeks as my husband (who is working today) told me to be careful because he knew I would be crying as I drove back home.

You would think she'd died from all the crying I've been doing and yet, she couldn't be more healthier and whole. When in fact, she goes back home recharged after an invigorating month spent in the company of her grandchild and after having seen, with her two eyes, that both her daughters are happy in their marriages and safe in their respective loves.

I could not explain to you specifically what guides this crying of mine except, that even as I write this, I know that it has a whole lot to do with missing her and then more with the inability to share my son with her on a daily basis. For sure my tears are deeply borne of never wanting to forgo the feeling that I am eternally, her child. As always, her departure leaves me feeling shortchanged, sabotaged, conscious that somehow, in a perfect world, I should be able to bask undisturbed and for ever, in her motherly love.

8 comments:

  1. you look just like your mother, and you're both beautiful! you make me feel so grateful to have my mother only 1/2 hour from where i am. I take that so much for granted. recently, she thought she wanted to move to California and she was gone for about a month but then returned when she decided it wasn't a good choice. i was surprised at my reaction and was devastated that she left, but overjoyed when she decided to come home. i never thought i had such feelings for my mother, even though like you, they did get deeper after i become a mother too. that must be a pretty typical maternal reaction.

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  2. I know. It leaves a vacuumous void.

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  3. Beautiful picture. Beautiful relationship -- to have this kind of "good" grief: how lovely.

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  4. What a beautiful picture. You and your mother are gorgeous and you look so much like her. You are very fortunate to have such a tight connection with your mother. My mother and I were always close, but drifted a little when I got married. But now that I have children, I find we are getting closer than ever. It's a relationship unlike any other, the mother-daughter one.

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  5. Dears Amy, GrandmaTexas, bscribe and Melissa: Thanks for your all your kind comments. I think my mother is a beauty of a lady but then,as you can see, I'm utterly biased in her favor.

    How wonderful that all of you also have and had (Grandma) good relationships with yours. I'm convinced that our mother-daughter bond gives me a palpable advantage in the mothering of my own son. I draw from my mother's love daily even when she is away from me. Thanks again ladies.

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  6. What a beautiful picture of you and your mother. How lucky you are to have such a wonderful relationship with her.
    I have always lived close to my mom until we took a little time away from "home" and went down to your neck of the woods for a year and a half. It really hit me being away how much I loved having my mom around, as close as we live to each other we can often go a month or so without actually seeing each other, but to be away and not have that option was a lot harder then I ever imagined it would be. It's at least comforting to know that we are "home" again and she's only 1/2 an hour away if I need her.

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  7. oh and I forgot to add, thank you for your lovely comment to my frustrations :)

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  8. You both look so alike :) It great to hear your story. I feel you sister...

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